I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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