Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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