Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
