This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
