it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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