Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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