I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
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