Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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