Viking lives by an ancient code of honor that we do not understand.
What code could that possibly be? Bothering the fucking shit out of people while being physically repulsive?
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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