They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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