My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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