You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
