wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize