i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
