1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
