Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
It all started with a game of naked twister.
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