So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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