She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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