my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
