I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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