remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
