The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
