They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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