The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize