My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
