I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
ugly people sure do ruin things
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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