I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
