Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize