guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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