Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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