I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
