Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
