i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
