omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
