I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
