The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Randomize
