I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
