I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I want her autograph on my taint
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
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