my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
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