Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Acid is not a monday night drug
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Im part way to drunk.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
