mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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