Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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