his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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