Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
