Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
