Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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