Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Randomize
