i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
