I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
