im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
