that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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