In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
