I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
