You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
