RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
