Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
