I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I'm like, not good at living.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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