I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
