ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
