Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
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